A Selfless Heart

I mentioned in an earlier post that I won’t be dating again until my heart’s aligned with God’s heart. I received an e-mail from someone asking for an explanation. I could not answer the inquiry concisely, so I’ll respond with this post.

Relationships should be about giving. People often say that relationships are “give and take” but I disagree. We live in a society that promotes independence, self-preservation, and selfishness. People often look at romantic relationships in the context of “what can this person do for me?” and not “what can I do for this person?” But, if both parties enter a relationship with the mindset of giving, they will both receive. If one or both people are not giving, the relationship cannot work.

If you want to have something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do things you’ve never done before. If I continue jumping from relationship to relationship, I will never become the woman I know I’m capable of becoming. God is the center of my focus now because He can make my heart more selfless. Being single is not about my independence– it’s about finding unity with God. It’s asking Him to extinguish the selfishness in my heart so I can be the best possible partner for somebody in God’s perfect timing. For now, I want Him to be my completer– not another person.

Our desire for independence can be fueled by many sources– pride, unresolved issues, pain from the past, bitterness, etc. People say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes time just prolongs our pain. Jesus heals all wounds. He fixes broken hearts, relieves our minds of bitterness, and humbles us enough to get out of our own way so He can use us.

I think God’s purpose for romantic relationships, beyond supporting one another, is that we would reflect His image to a lost, dying, and self-focused world. If we love one another in a way that is truly selfless, then others will want what we have. If we pursue peace, offer forgiveness, and live in love… We might just change the world. It’s been said that people who are hurt, hurt other people. But the same works in reverse– people who are healed, heal other people.

I will never pretend to know what’s best for anyone else. I cannot judge your journey because I have not walked your path. I just know that this is the direction my heart is being pulled and I want to share my heart with you.

To the person who e-mailed me: I hope that answers your question.

To everyone else: Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing your beautiful hearts with me.

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  1. #1 by shelbyisrad on March 28, 2011 - 4:24 pm

    You have such a wonderful heart Jaclyn! I love that you know what you want and you stick to it!
    and I got my camera off ebay, stalk it some and you can definitely find a good deal! my camera with lens and batteries and shipping was $47! can’t beat it! and its SOOOOOOOO fun!

    • #2 by Jaclyn Rae on March 28, 2011 - 6:58 pm

      Thank you darling! You have a lovely heart as well.

      I’ll have to start checking ebay for a film camera. :)

  2. #3 by Michelle Guillemaud on March 28, 2011 - 5:10 pm

    :) I am smiling so big right now. I love this. I spent 3.5 years single, aligning my heart with God’s heart, learning to be whole with just Him, until God brought the most incredible man into my life, my Mr :) He doesn’t complete me. He doesn’t make me whole. God is still the one who does that, but he adds to my cup. He makes me smile, and he shows me the unconditional love of God by loving me despite my shortcomings.

    When he was brought into my life, I ran from it. I avoided it, I tried so hard to push him away…but he heard from God and was not giving up. Now the once scared girl who could barely admit she had a boyfriend is talking of marriage, kids and saving up the money for a downpayment on a condo for our first place.

    All that to say, I had my blinders on when I met my Mr. I was looking at God, and I was so surprised by this guy pursuing me, it was and still is the romance I have always craved.

    It’s so worth the wait; don’t settle for any less than what you want in a man. Don’t be afraid to say no…because if he’s the right one, he’ll stick around anyways (thanks Mr).

    • #4 by Jaclyn Rae on March 28, 2011 - 7:01 pm

      Oh, Michelle… Your comment makes me so happy! :) How wonderful you are for realizing that God’s love is what makes you whole. I am so happy He brought the romance you’ve always desired into your life, even if you didn’t recognize it at first. This is such an encouragement– thank you, sweetie. <3

      • #5 by Michelle Guillemaud on March 29, 2011 - 8:45 am

        Good! Be encouraged! And don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t have the romance your heart desires just because they don’t have it. People tried to tell me ‘it doesn’t usually happen like that, don’t set your standards too high’. I said no to that, because I believe God wants us to ask big, audacious things of Him so He can show us just how much bigger than our dreams He is!

        Wow better stop before I REALLY get going haha God will reward your patience and your desire to put Him first.

        Much love xo

      • #6 by punkpolkadots on March 29, 2011 - 11:29 pm

        I’m so glad Michelle shared. Fairytales still exist. And Jesus believes in them too. This gives me so much hope. Yay for us, j! Our fairytales are around the corner! :)

  3. #7 by Julie on March 28, 2011 - 6:01 pm

    Wow wee, Jaclyn. This entry gave me multiple chill bumps. I love what you said about loving. I just love what you said, period. Your wisdom and insight have a tendency to blow me away.

    • #8 by Jaclyn Rae on March 28, 2011 - 7:02 pm

      Thanks Julie! Your comments always touch my heart.

  4. #9 by Tien on March 28, 2011 - 7:31 pm

    Very well said Jaclyn. Wise words indeed :)

  5. #11 by 1datingmama on March 28, 2011 - 9:20 pm

    I truly enjoyed reading this Jaclyn!

    Since my divorce 5 years ago, I have not had a healthy relationship with another man, yet my ex-husband (who is a non believer) just moved in with his girlfriend. I’ve often wondered why my divine relationship hasn’t come yet. With a lot of prayer, I know it’s because I need to continue my walk with Him. And in His time, that man will enter my life, and be everything I’ve asked for!

    Blessings to you!!

    • #12 by Jaclyn Rae on March 29, 2011 - 9:59 am

      Thank you for sharing and blessings to you too! I am positive that the best is yet to come for you– God is faithful :)

  6. #13 by V on March 28, 2011 - 9:38 pm

    Only one word for this post my sweetie: PERFECT!!!

    Love & light, always

    Yours,

    ~V

  7. #15 by Raey on March 28, 2011 - 11:16 pm

    When we are looking for a partner, we tend to look for someone who has what we lack. Something we ache to achieve. We look for the perfect partner. But why not try becoming the perfect partner instead. One must truly learn to give without expecting anything in return. Try to become a truly selfless person. Love without being bogged down by expectations & then Love will set you free & you’ll soar high!

    • #16 by Jaclyn Rae on March 29, 2011 - 10:00 am

      You’re brilliant, darling. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. :)

  8. #17 by scrambled7 on March 29, 2011 - 12:13 am

    When I broke up with my boyfriend, I started to communicate with God too. It makes me feel comfortable and at ease. It feels nice.
    When we are in a relationship, it’s only 50% of our work, the other half has to be put in by the partner. And if that’s not the way it rolls, then why be in a relationship with that kind of a person?

    • #18 by Jaclyn Rae on March 29, 2011 - 10:04 am

      I’ve never experienced a relationship that was 50/50… Sometimes, I gave more and sometimes I took more. I’m trying to just focus on the giving, not the taking, next time. But, you’re right that both people have to give for it to work.

      Thanks for reading & responding to my post! Have a blessed day. :)

  9. #19 by kara on March 29, 2011 - 4:18 am

    Hello Jaclyn. NIce post. The picyure in the end makes me feel nostalgic, elevated.
    love from India

  10. #21 by Jeremy D. Crouch on March 29, 2011 - 7:39 am

    Jaclyn,

    In life, it is never an easy task to allow God into the deepest and most intimate parts of our hearts.However, the truth is: He is the only one we should allow into this place. If we consistently try to fill it with a relationship, then we will never learn the depths of His love and the ultimate healing which comes with it. Unfortunately, the world is filled with hurting people who run from band-aid to band-aid — from doctor to doctor — from counselor to counselor — just looking for the answers for thier brokenness. This answer only comes from God.

    Now I cannot say that I am at a place where I have experienced this depth at its totality. But, I am at the same place when it comes to relationships. Though I have only limited dating experience, I still long for someone to hold….and someone who will return the look of love to me. Yet, here I am…trying my best to be patient…until God tells me that it is time to make a move. However, during this waiting process, He is doing things in my life — which I never could imagine.

    I hope you are encouraged today. As always, I am praying for you, Ms. Jaclyn Rae. Keep your focus and watch God’s love mold you into a woman of love who can share His love with the lost, the sick, and the dying of this world.

  11. #23 by Julie ~ jbulie's blog on March 29, 2011 - 7:59 am

    Dear friend,
    You wrote:

    Being single is not about my independence– it’s about finding unity with God. It’s asking Him to extinguish the selfishness in my heart so I can be the best possible partner for somebody in God’s perfect timing. For now, I want Him to be my completer– not another person.

    Well, I’d like to add that being married is not about indepence either. I wish there were truths I knew before marriage. God reveals himself to us through our relationships.

    When I met my husband I DID feel the magic but I wish you could know how much in my heart that that MAGIC was me ALLOWING myself to FEEL God’s magic because I RISKED loving. It’s your dear girl. Just you.

    Your life is full of love RIGHT now THIS minute. I’m so happy that you have such a strong relationship with our Lord.

    Continued love girl.
    Julie

    • #24 by Jaclyn Rae on March 29, 2011 - 10:13 am

      Julie, I absolutely love your comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences with me.

      You’re right that my life is full of love right now. I’m surrounded by love. So are you. :)

  12. #25 by emjayandthem on March 29, 2011 - 10:29 am

    You so eloquently described your journey and you know what else? You don’t have to explain yourself!

    MJ

  13. #27 by Eva on March 29, 2011 - 3:46 pm

    I absolutely LOVE the pictures you put up with your posts.

    • #28 by Jaclyn Rae on March 29, 2011 - 4:18 pm

      Thanks Eva! I collect pretty pictures and save them whenever I find them randomly. I’m glad you like them too. :)

  14. #29 by punkpolkadots on March 29, 2011 - 11:33 pm

    “People say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes time just prolongs our pain. Jesus heals all wounds. He fixes broken hearts, relieves our minds of bitterness, and humbles us enough to get out of our own way so He can use us.”

    So many of us are so caught up in our pain that it blinds us. I know I’m stuck too. After your post today, i sat down, closed my eyes and surrendered my broken heart to the Lord, it’s been 3 months too long that i’ve been hurting and now i want to let go. To let Jesus heal it, align it with His and carry me through.

    J, you’re so much sunshine in my life. Thank you. :’)

    So much love,
    M.

    • #30 by Jaclyn Rae on March 29, 2011 - 11:56 pm

      Oh, sweetie. You’re sunshine in my life too. I’m so glad you’ve surrendered your heart to the one who can truly fix it. Even if you have to do it over and over (as I do), keep running to Him. Love and prayers to you tonight, M. <3

  15. #31 by V on April 12, 2011 - 3:12 pm

    I have lost myself in love before; because I gave so much — I lost myself. And I have also been in those set-ups where I felt I was getting little in return.

    The balance, I think, is in being so self-sufficient, that you rarely need assistance in fulfillment. That takes courage — and a lot of hard work. In return, you find yourself strong enough to be endlessly generous and selflessly kind.

    But then, sometimes, when I feel disheartened by loss and completely drained by giving — I try to give a little more; because it brings me back to myself.

    Love. Always.

    V
    fromrussianwithlove.wordpress.com

    • #32 by Jaclyn Rae on April 12, 2011 - 7:19 pm

      You’re a brilliant and loving person, V. <3

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