Accept What You Can’t Change. Change What You Can’t Accept.

This blog makes me feel incredibly vulnerable at times. I usually find it easy to pour the contents of my heart into a post, but I’m at a loss for words now. I guess I’ll start with simple truths.

Tomorrow is my last day at a job I’ve worked for nearly 3 years. That makes me both thrilled and heartbroken at the same time. I’ve outgrown my responsibilities, but developed friendships that are irreplaceable and difficult to leave.

I gave notice to vacate my apartment yesterday. I don’t know where I’m moving yet, but I have about two weeks to figure it out. I’m excited to pack up everything and leave 3 years of bittersweet memories behind in this studio… And I’m sad for the same reasons.

I started dating someone who’s been an incredible friend for years… And that has made other relationships disintegrate faster than I thought possible. I realize now that, no matter how much someone says they love you and value your friendship, some people will abandon you as soon as they can’t get what they want. No goodbyes. They just leave.

And everything God has blessed me with recently feels like the very same things keeping me from Him. I have everything I wanted, but all I want now is to curl up in the lap of God like I did when everything fell apart. At least when I was heartbroken I felt like some version of the woman I’m supposed to be.

I have everything. And I feel empty. So I keep telling myself that the only guarantees in life are grace and change.

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19 thoughts on “Accept What You Can’t Change. Change What You Can’t Accept.

  1. Sometimes, Jaclyn, in an extraordinary way you speak directly to me. I understand your situation more than you know. I’ve been exactly where you are now both thrilled and heartbroken to leave an old life. Sometimes I’m sad that what I replaced the old with is not always good. I’ve lost important friendships for that very reason, I didn’t give enough and they left. I’m constantly reminded of how lucky I am but I still feel empty at times. But with your ethos in mind “change what you cannot accept” I choose change. Today I signed up for a week long massage therapy course working with people living with cancer. This course in on the west coast of America, which, living in Ireland its a hell of a trek but I’m excited. Change is what keeps us going, its what gives us a spark to carry on and its what helps us grow into better people. You may not know where you are going from here but I feel certain that your path will be lined with happiness and good fortune of every kind. We always get what we deserve.

  2. I understand your feelings Jaclyn, as I witness a similar phase by leaving for my new job and location in the next few days. Life is a succession of joining and separation, learning and unlearning, highs and lows. Amidst all these, it is wonderful that you feel the warmth and love of God, for He carries you all along, however the times may be. So, embrace the change and keep growing! Wish you the very best for a new and exciting phase of life, you’ll do better for sure :-)

  3. I can’t explain to you how much you just put exactly what I am feeling into words. Sometimes I feel like when I was heartbroken and lost I could see more clearly or connect with myself in a deeper way. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing.

    I truly am happy for you though – I’m so excited to see where your journey is taking you with your job and your apartment and your new love :)

  4. A few months ago, my best friend told me that her family was moving across the country this summer…and this Friday, sadly, that is coming into fruition. When I first heard the news, I was devastated (and still am!), but I know that this is God’s plan for our life and for our friendship. I have a feeling that this is going to help me break out of my shell a little and make some new friends within my youth group and my school.

    It was a total God things when an opportunity arose to be on the student leadership team at my church this next school year. Honestly, I never would have considered applying for this position on the student leadership team if my best friend wasn’t moving. We are kind of attached at the hip and rarely hang out with people besides each other. In my youth group, I feel like I always hang out with the same kids, and i want to meet new people. If i get accepted into this leadership program, i think it will be an awesome oppurtunity to meet new people and break out of my shell. Plus, it’s my senior year! What an awesome way to end my high school career!

    And, I just found out this week that I wa accepted onto the team! I am so scared, but so excited about this new adventure for me!

    I had a hard time accepting this change in my life, but I am hoping and praying that this position will help me grow closer to God and others because of this change!

    • You have such a beautiful heart and attitude, Tay! I am so proud of you for taking this time to branch out and try new things. You’re lovely in every way possible. Let me know how senior year goes, okay? :) I’m praying for you and wishing you lots of unfettered joy. <3

  5. Jaclyn, I don’t have much to say. That’s unusual (ha!). I am going to say thank you though, because I feel like I can learn so much from what people comment on this post. Also, it is so wonderful to realize (once again) that I am not alone in feeling certain ways.

    It hurts so much to be abandoned by people in our lives…

  6. Jaclyn…

    Let me tell you a little story about a girl, a girl who 3 1/2 years ago took a new job to start a new chapter in her life. A girl who’d lost 109 lbs and for the first time in her life despite loosing many of her friends felt like herself, her best self! For the first time in my life, I was dating someone I loved, was creating a relationship with God, blessed with the best family I could imagine, and so happy. Fast forward a year and I’d been laid off, was struggling to figure out what I should do and registering to go back to school for nursing. Fast forward six months and despite transitioning through change I would be thrown another curve ball in the form of Cancer. My Dad, the cancer and the journey was something I’d never thought I’d live through especially while making less money, going to school and trying to make sense of everything including my own life. After a 10 month battle we lost my Dad. To say I was devastated would be the understatement of a lifetime. I did things that I thought I’d never do and tried to find comfort in things I knew in my heart were wrong. After six months of struggling through the grief, figuring out a new normal, and finishing the last pre-req class for the RN Program. I started over and four months after that as I started to finally feel like a version of myself that I recognized someone who would smile as a response instead of cry. I was accepted into the RN Program. Then the really anxiety began as I’ve taken tests, prepared with shots and classes. I realized that I couldn’t keep my house (afford to make the payments), and I needed a place to live. In the past few weeks, less than a month before the nursing program is due to start. I have leased out my home to an elderly couple looking to live closer to their kids and grandkids. Last weekend I had a sale for everything I own. This week I’ve been packing up all my belongings left from the sale and donating anything that I don’t think will fit at my Mom’s and starting over. I turned in my letter of resignation at a full time job that I didn’t enjoy, but I’ve never not worked full time, because I’ve never gone to college full time. I’m terrified. I am getting ready to finish up my last week of working full time and starting a new part time job as I start full time Nursing school. I need to hit the books asap, yet I need to get moved to Mom’s first. Take a deep breathe and enjoy the change… I found this quote and I think it fits exactly what I’ve been going through in the past six months…
    “This was when I learned that you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one: that sometimes you need to let go of everything you’re clinging to and start over, whether because you’ve outgrown it or because it’s not working anymore, or because it was wrong for you in the first place.”
    ~Kelly Cutrone

    What I really want you to know is I’m praying for you. I also want you to know that you are not alone. God has a plan for both of us. The journey is what shapes us into the women that God meant for us to be. Fear not because you and I, we were wonderfully made by our Creator. Even though God’s plan is not our plan. God doesn’t give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we’ve been given.
    Love Always…
    MandyJo

    • Mandy Jo,

      I don’t even know how to begin responding to such a profound comment. I guess I’ll start with: thank you.

      Thank you for having such deep faith. Thank you for sharing your triumphs and struggles with all of us. Thank you for being brave enough to keep going when the walls were caving in around you. Thank you for being an inspiration to so many people. Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote with me. Thank you for giving me hope.

      I am so proud of you, MandyJo. You’re going to move mountains.

      With love,
      Jaclyn

    • Thank you, MandyJo, for your amazing courage and tenacity. I needed what you just wrote — all of it. I am very sorry for the loss of your father. You are living your life in incredible ways and I am sure the payoffs will be huge in so many ways. Thank you, again, for the gift of your story. It strengthens me and gives me hope.

  7. Hi Jaclyn: I pray that the emptiness you are feeling is replaced with God’s peace and love. When I am at my lowest, I imagine myself curled in God’s big palm, safe and secure. Change is so hard and even harder when it’s not our plan. My mom’s diagnosis and death from pancreatic cancer was shocking and my whole world changed once she was no longer a part of it. Learning to live life without her was difficult because I never realized what a huge role she played in it. Things just keep changing, I’ve lost 70 lbs since she died. I’m healing, very slowly. I try to keep my mom’s memory alive for the kids, a promise I made to her. Now, I’m watching my childhood house change again and again, as my dad moves my mom’s stuff into storage and brings in his girlfriend’s stuff. This is what is most hardest for me to see. I know my dad will never stop loving or missing my mom. I also know that he needs and deserves companionship in life, and his girlfriend is very nice. But it’s still hard. Changes are hard, but we have to keep in mind that it’s part of God’s plan.

    Take care, Kathy

    • Kathy, I want to give you a huge hug after reading your comment. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to experience that kind of change… I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. It’s beautiful that you’ve been able to keep faith in all this… To remember that, while we may not understand it, everything is part of God’s plan. Wishing you love and hope as you move forward. <3

  8. Jaclyn, thank you for being so open and honest in your post. Wow, trust me – I know it’s so hard to just put out your feelings and what is going on and fully coming to terms with how much is changing and how little control you actually have. I’m sure you’ve heard the verse hundreds of times – but your post reminded me why it’s one of my favorites – Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to PROSPER you and NOT HARM you. Plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE.” Every single step of the way is already planned out. It’s all good and well in HIS time. Life is full of twists, turns, ups, downs and lots of changes – but hold on to grace. Let it fill you abundantly friend! xoxo -Andi
    http://www.polish-my-crown.com

  9. Sometimes if you cannot change the attitude of your partner else you can change them. That is why I always says before you are going to love someone you gonna like him or her first.

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