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Posted in Life on November 11, 2012
I’m learning that the best things in life are not things I plan for myself.
My former boyfriend and I used to see each other every Thursday. The demise of our relationship left a void in my heart and schedule. I decided to fill both by signing up to tutor/mentor an elementary student once a week.
I got paired up with the toughest kid in the group. At age ten, she had already been suspended for slamming another student’s head into a locker. She was guarded, aggressive, and wanted nothing to do with me. For months I wondered why I wasn’t partnered with one of the younger kids – the ones who sit in your lap and give hugs and follow directions.
Four years and a multitude of challenges later, I still spend every Thursday with this same girl. We’ve been through more together than I have with almost any other person. She’s been with me through break-ups, illnesses, and the deaths of loved ones. Through the times I lost faith in God, love, and myself. I’ve been with her through juvenile hall, social workers, and parents disappearing. Through bullying, self-mutilation, and poverty.
I never knew there were so many kinds of love or that love could make you feel so many things. Even when she gets mad at me or disappoints me, I’d slay dragons for this girl. When the rest of the world sees her as a delinquent, as a nobody, I want to jump to her defense and tell them how amazing she is. She’s beautiful and smart and compassionate. Please, take a second look.
I may not be the best person for her, but she is the best person for me.
What moves me the most is how God orchestrates such unexpectedly beautiful things in our lives. To help us. To stretch us. To save us from our own prejudices and let us see Him in the faces of others. Sometimes we look so hard for relationships that will end in rings and vows that we miss opportunities for love right in front of us. When I think about what I really want for my life, it’s that 14 year-old girl who sits across from me at a coffee shop every Thursday. I want genuine, fought-for, unconditional love. Not control. Not forever.
Posted in Love on September 25, 2012
I want to scream at you. Shake you. Do anything to convince you that your life could be different. Better.
You settled. For half-hearted promises and crossed fingers and a house full of nostalgia that reminds you your dreams are not your own. You settled. Because sometimes regret feels safer than loneliness.
And I’m dying to tell you what I see in you. Dying to tell you that I can help you realize new dreams. That I’ll be faithful and supportive and love you senseless, like no other girl could.
I can’t say that, so I look at your house. Your broken, lifeless house. And I finally understand that you don’t want to realize new dreams. You want to grow old here.
And I guess if that’s what you really, really want… Then I want that for you too.
Because when you love someone, you love what they love and want what they want.
Even when it’s not you.
Posted in Love on September 22, 2012
I will wait for you.
This sounds like a passive act, but I assure you it’s not. Waiting is an active choice. A promise you recommit everyday.
Waiting makes you brave.
Waiting means going to another wedding alone. It means an increasing frequency of awkward questions about why you’re still single. Waiting means spending some Friday nights at home because you declined dinner with Mr. Almost-But-Not-Quite-Right.
I will wait for you.
You and I will get lost in each other’s company. We’ll lie on our backs with interlocked fingers and watch cloud shapes all afternoon. We’ll cuddle up on the couch with warm blankets and tea and listen to the rain. You and I will climb mountains together.
You will never doubt my affection or intentions. I will wrap my arms around you and tell you I’m crazy about you every day. You will disappoint me at times, as I will surely disappoint you, but I already forgive you darling. We’ll fight and say the wrong things, but it will only bring us closer.
I will wait for you.
We’ll go to sleep at night and I’ll whisper, “I had the time of my life, fighting dragons with you today.” I’ll fall asleep the same way I’ll wake every morning… To the sound of your heartbeat pounding in my ear.
We’ll leave spaces in our relationship. Spaces to grow and experience things separately. Spaces that will enhance our connection because we’ll constantly encourage and inspire each other. And even when we’re apart, your beauty and love will chase after me.
I won’t settle for less and I hope you won’t either.
I will wait for you. Because you are worth waiting for.
Posted in Life on September 9, 2012
Sometimes you get a glimpse of the life you thought you needed but didn’t get, and you thank God you never got it.
Posted in Life on August 21, 2012
Truth. Where’s the truth?
Mine got lost sometime in early spring. Between smiles and emotions and secrets. When the lines between reality and fantasy blurred into some unfamiliar shade of grey.
I would never do that. I’m not the kind of girl who would do something like that.
But, I did.
And it was easy.
I loved you. You were my sweet, delicious fruit from the garden of Eden and I barely hesitated before taking that first bite. You know the ending to that story, right?
Sin is slippery. It leads you in endless circles, disguised as something different each time around. It enchants you until you no longer recognize the light within you. Everything feels heavy and dark.
I don’t know what kind of girl I am anymore.
Posted in Things I Love on August 14, 2012
let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
so comes love
— e.e. cummings
Posted in Life on July 14, 2012
Nothing left to say. Nothing to salvage.
I’m crushed about what happened, but not all the time. Only when I allow myself to think about it.
You asked me what I want from you and I couldn’t respond.
I want what I’ve always wanted. I want from you what I want from so many people in my life.
Posted in Love on July 11, 2012
It was one of those moments I wanted to breathe in and store in a bottle beside my bed. To keep it safe.
Just in case.
Posted in Faith on June 16, 2012