Fly Free, Baby

Sometimes you get a glimpse of the life you thought you needed but didn’t get, and you thank God you never got it.

The Grey Stuff

Truth. Where’s the truth?

Mine got lost sometime in early spring. Between smiles and emotions and secrets. When the lines between reality and fantasy blurred into some unfamiliar shade of grey.

I would never do that. I’m not the kind of girl who would do something like that.

But, I did.

And it was easy.

I loved you. You were my sweet, delicious fruit from the garden of Eden and I barely hesitated before taking that first bite. You know the ending to that story, right?

Sin is slippery. It leads you in endless circles, disguised as something different each time around. It enchants you until you no longer recognize the light within you. Everything feels heavy and dark.

I don’t know what kind of girl I am anymore.

So Comes Love

let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear

so comes love

— e.e. cummings

photo credit to equilibrium_soul

More

Nothing left to say. Nothing to salvage.

I’m crushed about what happened, but not all the time. Only when I allow myself to think about it.

You asked me what I want from you and I couldn’t respond.

I want what I’ve always wanted. I want from you what I want from so many people in my life.

More. 

photo via weheartit

A Moment

photo via tumblr

 

Honestly?

It was one of those moments I wanted to breathe in and store in a bottle beside my bed. To keep it safe.

Just in case.

Attack Today With Enthusiasm

I’m Stubborn, But God Is Relentless. Thankful For Grace.

photo via katelyndowns

Seeking Barriers

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” 

- Rumi 

A Poem By Anne Sexton

I am torn in two
but I will conquer myself.
I will dig up the pride.
I will take scissors
and cut out the beggar.
I will take a crowbar
and pry out the broken
pieces of God in me.
Just like a jigsaw puzzle,
I will put him together again
with the patience of a chess player.

Time Passes

You’re 18 and he’s your first. First boyfriend. First love. First one to call you beautiful. First one to call you his. You’re not supposed to go to his house when his parents aren’t home but you tell yourself it’s fine, he loves you. His eyes don’t look right when he opens the door but you tell yourself it’s fine, he loves you. Then he’s on top you of you’re screaming and crying and he won’t look you in the eye anymore.

You’re not fine. He doesn’t love you.

Time passes.

You’re 19 and away from home. Away from him.  It stings when someone tries to take your hand, but you feel nothing as you cut your thigh with a razor blade. One, two… twelve times. You think you’re strong because you don’t cry. You don’t cry that he hurt you. You don’t cry that you’re lonely. You don’t let anyone close enough to see the scars, anyway.

Time passes.

You’re 20 and broken. You look up at the sky and your heart screams, Do you love me, God? Am I saved, God? Do you even hear me? Am I a sinner? Am I still a sinner, God? You don’t hear a response so you keep living in the world the way a religious person should, just in case. You try to remember being 17 when God felt alive to you.

Time passes.

You’re 23 and He’s your first. First Love. First one to call you beautiful. First one to say you will always be His. You cry because He loves you. Because His grace extends beyond self-inflicted scars and scars inflicted by others. You realize forgiveness was never a matter of persuading God to love you. It was always there for the taking.

Time. Passes. 

photo via weheartit