This Makes My Heart Happy

To Love

I can’t find words that do Him justice. Instead, I’ll keep this to a few disjointed thoughts and pray that if God knocks on your door this week, you’ll answer. Thank you, as always, for reading and being part of my journey. 

You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. 
- Galatians 5:13

God changed my world this year. He changed me.

Last year I struggled through the Christmas season. Fresh out of college and fresh out of a break-up, anxiety and loneliness were my winter companions.

As I get ready for the holidays again this year, I realize I’m still alone and still unsure of my future…

But I’m not lonely.

It says in Revelations 3:20, “I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in…” And because God is the ultimate gentleman, he knocked and waited patiently outside my door for a long time.

I finally answered. I’m glad He thought I was worth the wait.

At this time last year I would have guessed that I’d be in another serious relationship by now. Instead, my heart is longing for a different kind of companionship…

To love people who cannot love me back.

I want to love someone who will never thank me. I want to be a giver, not a taker. I want God to humble my heart until it won’t be satisfied with anything other than Him. I want God to transform my selfish heart into one that serves Him every day.

And if I do that, if I keep  pursuing Him, I know that even if I spend every holiday for the rest of my life alone…

My heart will be happy. My heart will be so happy.

Merry Christmas, beautiful friends. May you walk with joy in your spirit and peace in your heart, today and always. ♥

Stations

By Audre Lorde 

Some women love
to wait
for life for a ring
in the June light for a touch
of the sun to heal them for another
woman’s voice to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to their passages sound
to their screams for some other sleeper
to remember their future their past.

Some women wait for their right
train in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow to aim
at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
That do not return
Where they were not welcome
Naked
For invitations to places
They always wanted
To visit
To be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
Around the next corner
And call the empty spot peace
But the opposite of living
Is only not living
And the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something
To change and nothing
Does change
So they change

Themselves.

Things change. Stuff happens. Life goes on.

I miss you most when we’re together.

That’s a terrible kind of grief, isn’t it? Feeling homesick for someone as they sit across from you. It’s a grief that doesn’t make sense… I just know that if you weren’t in front of me, I could imagine you happy. I could pretend things were the same.

It’s never just you and me when we’re together anymore. It’s you. And me. And how things used to be.

I feel guilty every time I see you. Did you know that? I feel guilty for grieving. I feel guilty for missing you when you’re sitting with me. I feel guilty when I see your broken smile and eyes that beg for things to be okay again. You’re begging for me to treat you the same.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being stronger than your depression. I’m sorry for pulling away because I couldn’t stand to watch you hate yourself. I’m sorry for not accepting that sometimes our best memories lead to our worst. That’s just how it goes.

But, I need you to know something. No matter how difficult things get, or how much things change…

I will love you.

I promise, I will love you.

For the King’s Daughters

Sometimes you feel like no one notices you.

Gym, work, groceries, laundry… Your days all look the same. You wonder if anyone cares or appreciates you… Your efforts feel invisible.

God cares.

God sees you when you pack your kids’ lunches. And when you put forth your best effort at the end of a tiring workweek. He sees every dish you wash and every sweater you fold.

Darling, you are never invisible. God sees your heart. He notices you.

And He delights in what He sees.

photo via weheartit

What It Takes

I gauge how I’m doing by whether I can look myself in the eye. Lately, when I face my reflection, I’ve also faced a harsh reality.

I don’t know that I have what it takes.

I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t want a relationship… That I have other things to focus on and I’m just too busy for a boyfriend. But, the truth is, I’m scared.

I’m scared for the girl I was a year ago. I remember the way she cried for months when her boyfriend left and I’m scared at the thought of being that weak again. I remember how devastated she felt when she realized he didn’t love her and I’m scared that I don’t have what it takes to make someone stay.

But, I want to fall in love again. I want someone’s life to be better because I’m in it. I want to be vulnerable and trust someone with my secrets. I want to love without holding back and serve without fear of heartbreak. So I keep asking God to soften my heart and teach me how to love like Him.

I looked in the mirror this morning and felt compassion for the blue eyes staring back at me. It was like I put my own hands on either side of that face and said, “Darling, you deserve all your love. And someday, you’ll let someone else deserve all your love too.”

I think I might have what it takes. 

photo via weheartit

If equal affection cannot be…

Let the more loving one be me.

- W.H. Auden

In Love

I feel like a princess made to slay her own dragons. I’m not waiting around for Prince Charming. In fact, if Prince Charming showed up now, I’d likely grab the nearest single girl, push her in front of me and say, “Look how cute she is! Take her instead!”

People don’t seem to understand my perspective. They’re asking me when I’ll let someone in again. When will I fall in love again? They don’t understand that I do want to fall in love… Just not with a prince. Not the way they want me to.

I want to fall in love with those who Jesus loved most. I want to fall in love with the lost and dying people in the world. I want to fall in love with them and I want to fall in love with God. That’s the desire of my heart. I can tell you this passion has changed the melody of my life and it’s a song I want to sing for you. But you won’t hear me. You’ll only hear that I’m alone.

But maybe, just maybe, my happy ending won’t look like yours. Maybe your happy ending has a beautiful marriage and beautiful babies and a beautiful life. I promise to be happy for you when you find those things… But I need you to promise you’ll be happy for me if my heart calls me somewhere else.

photo via weheartit

The Kind Of Peace That Comes After War

As I was driving, I reflected back over our journey and I realized the kind of peace I meant. It’s not the pansy, pie-in-the-sky, life-is-perfect peace. No, this is the kind of peace that comes after war. It’s the hard-won, show-you-my-scars, didn’t-think-I’d-live-to-tell-about-it, peace. It’s not gentle—it’s wild, fierce, and I’m not giving it up, not ever, because I paid too high a price to get it.

-Holley Gerth

1 Year

I started this blog with a simple prayer one year ago:

God, please give me a mind that’s full of Your love and compassion; a mind that thinks of others before myself.

I’m so humbled that you’ve taken the time to get to know my heart, whether you’ve read since the beginning or stopped by once. I’m an ordinary girl with a simple mission: to love God and follow Him. I fail everyday, but His grace gives me hope for tomorrow. 

Thank you all for being so genuine, loving and honest. Thank you for staying in touch and sharing your beautiful lives with me. Thank you for letting me watch God work through you. Thank you for inspiring me. 

May your roots grow deep in God’s love ♥

Jaclyn Rae

photo via weheartit