My Journey Toward Something Beautiful

I am ready to seriously commit myself to a journey of self-improvement toward becoming the woman God intended me to be.

This particular post is very important to me because writing it down creates accountability and forces me to address issues that I’ve spent years ignoring. If I’m being completely honest, I have several very unattractive qualities that need serious attention.

  • I get jealous of other girls. If we’re dating and you have lots of female friends, I’m going to compare myself to them. I’m going to wonder if you compare me to them too. Even if you really are just friends, I may get intimidated and worry that you’ll leave me for one of them. They are probably lovely girls; I have just fallen into the unforgiving mental trap of feeling not good enough.
  • I am insecure about the how I look. My brothers’ childhood teasing of, “you’re so ugly, you’ll have to marry a blind person because no one else could stand to look at you forever” still haunts me on certain days. For years I subconsciously tried to perfect how I looked on the outside to counteract my internal insecurities. This theory is ridiculous, of course, because youth doesn’t last forever– intrinsic beauty does. Beyond that, I want to attract a person who loves my heart, not my face.
  • I am moody. I like to have everything planned out and get upset if someone cancels/changes plans last-minute. If I don’t eat well or get enough sleep, I may cry over something stupid. On the flip side, I often get overly excited about ridiculous things. Hopefully, finding balance in other areas of my life will create more balance in my moods.
  • I am not confident enough in myself. If you say something mean about me, I’ll probably accept it as true. Even if you don’t know me very well. Even if 100 people disagree with you. I can give friends and strangers hundreds of sincere compliments, but I have a hard time complimenting myself on anything.

I am on a mission to transform my heart in order to become a truly faith-filled, radiant and beautiful woman.

What makes a person beautiful? What do I want to look like by the end of this process? This is the criteria I came up with:

  • A beautiful person sees people and situations with an open mind.
  • A beautiful person is honest with themselves and others.
  • A beautiful person is passionate about his or her life.
  • A beautiful person has understated confidence. They feel comfortable in their own skin.
  • A beautiful person radiates faith, peace and positivity.
  • A beautiful person finds strength in weaknesses.
  • A beautiful person smiles at everyone.
  • A beautiful person loves deeply, even after being hurt.

Here are the broad commitments I’m making to myself as I begin this journey of self-improvement:

  • No dating. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago. I’m still processing everything that happened in that relationship and, more than that, I’m taking advantage of this time to be alone and work on myself. Dating would just distract and confuse me. I know that I cannot be my best self for someone else right now.
  • Intentionally seek and maintain relationships with other women. I’ve always been “one of the guys.” I enjoy having male friends but I long for more female companionship. I want to invest more time and energy into maintaining relationships with the wonderful ladies I already know, and seeking new friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime.
  • Pay attention to the power of association. You become the people you hang out with and the things you indulge in. I want to heavily invest in friendships with people who I admire and can learn from. I also want to read more books that inspire and stretch my way of thinking.
  • Spend quality time with God. Everyday. God and I spend lots of time together when I’m in a state of despair, but when things start going well again… I start thinking I can handle things by myself. I can’t though. I desperately need His love, guidance, and protection. If my life ambition is to fulfill His purpose for my life, then I need to make time in prayer and reading scripture a priority.

 
Please let me know if you have any other suggestions or advice from your own experiences. I’ll be updating you with my progress.

** On a side note: Thank you to everyone who has commented my blog or e-mailed me. Your encouragement means so much to me!  I am truly inspired by you. **

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  1. #1 by chris on December 11, 2010 - 3:12 pm

    I had to laugh at your side note. I was going to suggest finding people with whom you can be honest with and who can encourage you. Just stay true, Jaclyn, and you will get there :-)

    • #2 by Jaclyn Rae on December 11, 2010 - 3:29 pm

      Thanks Chris! :)

      • #3 by chris on December 11, 2010 - 5:36 pm

        Any time Jaclyn :)

  2. #4 by shelbyisrad on December 11, 2010 - 7:26 pm

    I feel like you took all my inner struggles and just layed them out in a blog post.
    I am glad to know that someone knows what I deal with.
    And I really hope you can stick to the commitments you made for self-improvement.
    But remember if you don’t meet them exactly how you think you should, or when you think you should doesn’t mean you’re failing or not doing well. Its always a a process :)

    • #5 by Jaclyn Rae on December 11, 2010 - 9:25 pm

      Thank you so much for the comment! I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way :) I will definitely do my best to keep the commitments and still allow room for flexibility if needed. I appreciate the encouragement.

  3. #6 by fnkybee on December 13, 2010 - 8:28 am

    I can relate to this post! Good luck on your journey and remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

    • #7 by Jaclyn Rae on December 13, 2010 - 9:57 am

      Thank you very much! You are beautiful too :)

  4. #8 by Heather on December 14, 2010 - 5:16 pm

    You are already such a beautiful person. It even shines through in your writing. ;) Stay true to yourself, and keep searching. You have much to offer the world, and yourself! I believe you are truly a woman after God.

    • #9 by Jaclyn Rae on December 14, 2010 - 6:10 pm

      Thank you, Heather. You are so encouraging.

      • #10 by Heather on December 14, 2010 - 7:34 pm

        It is my mission, to sincerely encourage others. I feel like that is what I am being called to do at this time in my life. I am always noticing little things that make me happy, or lift me up, and when I do I try my very best to let that person know.

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